Memory of What Was (Pete)

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay sat on her feather bed with a very tall glass of vodka. Her cheeks were stained with drippy black lines and her pillow had many black spots as well. She began to shake a bit. What had she done? She left the on she loved in his time of need. How could she be so cruel? She dropped her glass to the carpet and it began to spill all over. She started to feel tears frip from her eyes again as she got to her feet and went over to her dresser. She placed a pale hand on the drawer and opened it. She flipped through the pages of a notebook she pulled out. When she found the page, she ripped it up and threw it on her bed. But the scene of it still played in her mind:

December 17th, 1999.

Lindsay sat on her bed next to Kevin, her best friend. They were both under the foster care of a man named Bill Hennington. Lindsay swung her legs back and forth mindlessly before stopping. She looked to her hands. She was playing with a single black jelly bracelet before saying, "Hey Kevin?" Kevin looked up from the string he was playing with on his jean pocket, "Yeah Linds." Lindsay looked up to him and then back to her skirt. She allowed herself to stutter out the words, "Do you think....what. Do you think what hes doing is okay?" The room fell silent for a bit before Kevin began to say, "I don't know, but-" Kevin didn't have enough time to finish before a man barged in through the door. He held a stick in his right hand. Kevin looked and saw much fear in Lindsay's eyes. But he only looked to his pants. "Get up." the man demanded. Both the children stood and the man began to come closer. His left hand moved to Lindsay's shoulder. It came within a few inches before. Kevin killed him.
And then they ran.

The memory replayed through Lindsay's mind. She had seen things that no human being should see in their entire life. But she had. She lay back down and cryed some more into her pillow. Maybe if it weren't for that memory of Kevin, she would have already killed herself.

(She was age 11 in the flashback && It wasn't a diary entry BTW. =P )

[Pete Starintino]

Pete walked to Lindsay's literally sobbing. He couldn't loss her, he just lost everything in his life the was meant living and now he might have lost the one person he loved the most. Nothing but fog was in his mind and he couldn't clear it. Memories poured into his mind, The belt, the stick... everything haunted him. He had scars inside and out. Oh god he wish he could drink, wish he could drug himself into a dreamless sleep that he would never wake up from.

The word suicide always cascaded it self in Pete's mind. He would never do it, he would be to afraid. But the thought of it, how something could drive you so insane that you just need to leave life seemed welcoming to him. He was sick of seeing doctors, sick of not telling anyone about his home life. He hated that one of his best friends was more of a father figure then his own dad. Pete loved life and hated it, he hated the rationality, that someone you came from could want you dead. This gave him no time to mature emotionally and he hated being fu**ed up about it.

Pete turned the corner, still crying. People tried to help him but he just kept walking. He liked the silence, he liked not knowing. Not knowing was something he always loved, never knowing that one day all the pain may be gone. But now he was in trouble for something his father inflicted on him.

But his main concern was his love. He hurt her, and he did not mean to. He was so caught in the moment he forgot about her, the true her and never bothered to ask what was wrong. Pete knocked on the door and hoped that she would come out... so he could hold her, so he could say sorry for what he has done.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay got to her feet shakily. She was now extremely drunk, and too her liking, the images began to fade. The scenes began to pass by. She began to walk toward the kitchen where she opened the fridge and pulled out a large bottle of wine. Why she had it in there was what she didn't kow. The only thing she did know, was that it would probably be gone in a few more seconds. She took the bottle and placed it on the counter, slamming the fridge door. She took out a wine glass and poured some into it. Taking a slow sip, she drank in the fluid. That is before she guzzeled it down in the next sip and poured another glass. She felt so much better. Everything felt so okay now. That was until she jumped back at the knock of the door and spilled her 7th glass. They seemed to be spread out. 2 in her bedroom, 1 in her living room, 3 in the office and now one in the kitchen. She sighed and walked to the door unsteadily. She opened it quickly and saw Pete. Crying. In front of her door. "Come in. Have a seat. We'll talk." she said softly. She let Pete come in before closing the door behind him and grabbing two more glasses, not wine glasses, just regular ones, and filling them to the top with a drink. She wasn't quite sure which one. She didn't feel like reading the lable. But it was definitly soemthing closely related to vodka or wine or whatever. She sat on the couch and handed a glass to Pete. She put the bottle down on the table and waited for him to sit before she started.

[Pete Starintino]

Pete sat down, and noticed she was drinking. That was one thing Pete know him and Lindsay had in common. They drank when things got to hard, and for Pete drinking was leading to worse things. "Lindsay... I'm sorry..." He said so out of it now... just wanting anything to numb him.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay blinked. "Pete, its not your fault. It's my own stupid fault. I need to tell you something. And trust me, No one has ever heard this story. And its been bundled up in my stupid little mind since I was eleven." she started. She let out a sigh before continuing, "When I was eleven, I was still in foster homes. I used to go from one to another. Well I used to have a best firend named Kevin. You could even say still have a best friend, but I don't know becuase hes gone. Well me and him were in the same home. With this man. He used to abuse and molest us. The whole package of disater. Of course, I had no idea if he was doing what he was supposed to do. I thought this was the way everyone lived. No one ever told me different. Well one day, he came in with his....stick. And you know how your dad put his hand close to my shoulder and was ready to hit me. He did the exact same thing. Only...my friend. He killed him. And we ran." As she finished, she dropped the glass and grabbed a pillow from the side and began to cry into it. Again.

[Pete Starintino]

Pete listend to her story in horror. My god... he thought to himself. He just relized this girl that he loved went through everything he went to and worse. And it killed him. Killed every bit of him. He walked over to Lindsay and just held her. "I wont ever let anyone hurt you... ever." He said wanting her to know he would do anything for her, including stabbing his father. He would die for this girl.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay felt him hold her. Usually this would make her feel safe, but she never felt safe anymore. She just continued to cry. When she finally stopped a bit, the only thin that made it worst was a headache and more terrible scenes. And you thought that was the worst? Try being... oh never mind. Lindsay just tryed to keep her head off of it. She sat up and took the bottle off the table. In one sip she had it down her throat. "I'm the one who's sorry Pete." she said as tears flowed again.

[Pete Starintino]

"No don't be. I shouldn't of made you run." Pete said, looking around, dying for a drink. He tried to hold back and he succeeded. "I just don't know what i should do. I am not getting punished for something i did to protect you and me."

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay got to her feet. "I hate to ask you this, but I need some sleep. Plus, " she said holding up the bottle, "I'm apparently going to be VERY hung over tommorow morning. So you can crash on the couch if you want. It pulls out." Lindsay gave him a hug and said, "Good night." before heading into her room and tossing the notebook out the door and into the living room. "If you get extremely bored, then you can read about my childhood before it gets burned in the fireplace." she added with a slight smile. She then fell onto her bed and looked up at the ceiling.

[Pete Starintino]

Pete nodded and looked at the book she left. He wanted to read it but didint, what was there was secret and he wouldent burst through the pages and open it to his mind.

Pete sat there wondering what to do with himself. He needed numbness needed to not feel a thing. Pete use to smoke pot alot, then stoped when his mom got worried. It was one thing he did to float away from the universe. Float away from everything that was haunting him. He was considering doing it now but just laid down.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay threw two more books out the door. She was seriously considering burning them. All the stories of abuse, crimes, killings, deaths, and words that should never be said. "Theres more where that came from." she added as she headed back out the door and too the living room. "Do you need something to drink before I doze off?" she asked seeing how he seemed to be dieing for a drink.

[Pete Starintino]

"Yeah thanks..." Pete said in a greatfull way sitting up. He had to stop this before it got bad, before it got even worse but tonight he needed it to relax or he would never sleep.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

Lindsay dragged her feet over to the fridge and took out a very large bottle of a wine a friend had bought her. She handed it to him and said, "Sorry, out of glasses." She sat next to him and leaned her head back on the sofa. She picked up a book from the floor and began to read the page:

Well today was okay. I'm going to another foster home in the morning. Miss Jamie says that she has to go away for a bit. She was really nice. But that man she liked to have over wasn't. He liked to hit her a lot. But Jamie says hes a nice man at heart. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but I can trust Jamie. She said that she'd come get me after her and that man come back. Theyre going to get married. And she said that they were gunna adopt me. I sure hope so. But for now, I guess I'll wait and see. Maybe they won't. Like everyone else.

Lindsay finished reading it. No tears rolled down her eyes. That was one of the better ones. She read the date. It was from when she was 7. Lindsay still remebered Miss Jamie. She never did come back. After her, things seemed to go downhill. Especially the one directly after that. She didn't want to read the rest though. She threw the book back to the floor and sighed.

[Pete Starintino]

Pete nodded and took the bottle, he popped the cork and took a big swig then watched her read what she wrote, saw nothing but thought. "You shouldn't get rid of them you know." Pete said. Pete kept a tun of journals, people always encouraged him to write ever sense he was very young, it was something he stuck to, he took another drink. "I have some from when i was four, and it is hard to read cause i see I am so confused about everything. If this is right, if this is wrong. But I wont get rid of them because i can't forget... even thought it is a bad memory i just can't seem to let it go." Pete said looking at her. "Just keep them, no matter how much it hurts. When you look through them when you are older you will be amazed at yourself." Pete said with a sad smile. "God i need a joint..." He sort of came out of no where with. He was now in what his doctor would call it "A sparling downfall of depression." And Pete barley got out of the last one with his dignity.

[x---Lindsay---> ♥]

"Pete, theres no way. There is not ONE good memory in these books. Not even a single smile could come out of them. Not even the better ones." she said ripping out the page she just read and handing it to Pete. "This is probably the second best one. The first best was when me and Kevin were drunk and made-out, no offense." She plopped the book to the ground again before hearing him say that he needed a joint. She gave him a look of shock. She may get drunk on a rather daily basis, but drugs and smoking. They were just wrong. She sighed and shook her head, then stopped when it began to hurt.